Okay, so we all know that to be a writer, you must have a cat. There are simply no exceptions! It doesn't matter what type of cat you have, pure, stray, fluffy, bald, spotted, or so on. Nope, doesn't matter one bit! All that matters is that your little ball of hate is fueled on just that to give you maximum entertainment and Instagram hearts!
Now, I am sure there are a few among the writing community that are thinking, "Well, I'm a dog person." or "I don't need a cat to be a writer." To those people I say, shun. Shun them into oblivion. Because a cat is not only the beginnings of a muse, what with the beautiful fur coat, or lack thereof full of wrinkles, and the shining eyes that stare intensely at you before pouncing on your foot and climbing up your leg. A cat is also a writers best companion! They require nothing, not even your love and devotion. All a cat needs is for you to empty their litter box, and when you die be delicious enough to chow down on before someone finds your bloated body.
You would think I would have to put down that a cat needs you for food and water as well, and to that I laugh! That's what the toilet and tiny creatures that lurk in your home are for. A cat will show you their divine respect for you so graciously allowing them into your home by leaving you treats in your bed or shoes. These treats are the carcasses of mice, bugs, and if you are lucky enough to have a cat that will willingly return to you once set outside, you may just receive a bird or two. These will all be offered up to you half eaten.
Oh, but let us not forget that at times they will demand your attention. However, do not be mistaken. This is not love, this is treason. They will play coy, as if your hand is giving them all the desired rubs they have ever wanted, and then you will touch the spot, and no you will not know what spot it is until you have touched it. It will change each time as well. However, once touched, it is the end. The claws will come out, and you will have more scratches on you than the scratch post will have in its lifetime.
And while we are on the subject of the scratch post, don't you dare forget to give your cat a thousand toy mice and balls that jingle. They wont play with them, of course, but they will idly stare at the bin you keep them in until you drag a few out, including a feather on a stick. They can see you holding the stick, Karen, they are not amused at how stupid you think they are. That'll be five bites on the toes at midnight. However, while you are not home, they will drag out a multitude of said tiny toys and scatter them all over the house just for you to have to pick up after them.
All in all, if you must be the type to not procure yourself a cat, just be fair warned. On cold nights when you are trying to write out that next great novel, just remember, there will be no cat to warm your hands upon the keyboard you are trying so desperately to create magic on. If you can live knowing you will never have that, then I suggest some therapy for you know nothing of the pleasures that is owning a cat.
All Expand a Writing Tips are purely meant for a good, hearty laugh. They are not meant to be realistic tips in any way, however, if something is ever said that helps you out, then I am ecstatic! Keep on writing, everyone!